Saturday, August 24, 2019

Profound Sentiments

Hope. Faith. Love. Trust. Joy.
She wants to fill her heart and her life with those emotions. She wants to learn and open her heart to welcome them. While she thinks about it, fear cripples her each time. Doubt even discourages her. She realized that she might have been too broken that she doesn't want to go through it again. She admits that even until now, she really finds it hard to trust people; may it be a friend or someone more than a friend. She might end up hurting herself again. She just can't trust a mere word or a kind gesture anymore. In the back of her head, everything will just bring her disappointments if she holds on to it.

God only knows how hard it has been for her to deal with this situation. She would always convince herself that it would be better to just settle with herself, by herself.  She always prays to God to help her overcome this struggle. Sometimes, she would just come up with a conclusion that God maybe is making her realize that she doesn't need a lot of people around her. Her relationship with Him is more important.

However, she just feels lonely most of the time. She has felt and proven many times that no one seems interested in listening to anything she would mean to say or share.  Every time she starts or segues it to be about herself, no one pays attention or dares to attentively listen. It happens when she is about to open up either about her happiness or loneliness. No one could even notice that she doesn't wear that smile anymore, that she even seldom smiles.

Yet, in her heart, a tiny hope still exists. Hope that one day, while she is still in this world, she will find the greatest joy. The joy that could understand everything about her. That one which could make her feel worthy in the midst of her unworthiness, that moment that she could hold onto.
Or maybe someone who could bring back that genuine smile on her face and that sparkle to her eyes. That person would assure her that she is enough. That only one who never gives up on her easily and the one who understands her even if she doesn't understand herself sometimes. Especially the one that would make her love God more than anything else.  That one who would love her from yesterday to today until forever.

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